Eleven years ago I met a man named Ryan, (who I ended up marrying) who had a little dog named Ruby. Ruby was about a year old when I first met her and she immediately became my little princess. I took her everywhere with me; the three of us were a family. I'm not going to lie, I totally used to dress her up in little doggie clothes. I'm sure she hated it, but she went along with it. Soon, Ryan and I got married and soon after that I was pregnant with a sweet little girl. Ruby used to sit on my belly while we would talk to our little girl. She was a protector. Our sweet little girl soon joined the world and Ruby immediatley fell in love with her, licking her head and just watching over her. A couple years later we added another little boy to our family and then a few years later another dog. Ruby got less attention, but still remained our princess. Then again we added another sweet boy to our family who was born in our home and Ruby was right there while I had him. She was always the mother hen. The protector. The last couple years, Ruby really started slowing down, but we just kept loving her. Two weeks ago, while on vacation in Florida, we got the call that Ruby had passed peacefully in our room. Ryan and I had a feeling that the time was coming, but no matter how much we prepared ourselves, the moment we found out our sweet girl was gone, was really hard. I've never had a pet that long and that I loved that much. She was a part of our family. She lived an amazing, long life. She used to hike with Ryan, she was the best mole catcher around and she loved our kids like her own. We will miss hearing her snarled breathing at night and the way she pranced outside. Since she's been gone, I still think I hear her at times. I think the hardest thing is that our littlest guy keeps calling her name and looking outside for her. He doesn't understand, but I'm so glad she got to be a part of his life. RIP sweet Ruby
This little guy sure does keep me busy. He is so curious and wants to explore everything. He is almost two years old and I wish he would stop growing....I just want him to stay my little baby forever. I can't lie, I've gotten a little emotional lately thinking about how big he is getting and how much he is talking and learning about the world. I still remember holding him in my arms the moment he was born. He will always be my baby.
“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”
From the book
"I'll Love You Forever"
Pants- Thief and Bandit
Happy 8th Birthday to my sweet Savanna. You were the first one to make me a mother, to let me experience a love that I have never felt before. I love you sweet girl. You are such a loving, caring and kind person. You are the best big sister to your crazy brothers and you have a heart of gold. Happy Birthday and thank you for letting us expereince the world through your beautiful eyes. I hope all of your birthday dreams come true. I love you, Mama
This post has been a year in the making. I can still remember every detail about the day. It was a brisk, sunny fall day. I woke up feeling a little crampy. We decided to skip church that day as I wasnt sure I could sit comfortably during the service. Contractions were happening, but not consistently. I read the kids a few books and we relaxed throughout the morning. It was nice to just be with my family without anything to do. Soccer had ened the day before and Ryans big race was over as well. Contractions began to get a little stronger, so we decided to call my mom and give her an update and have her bring the turkey over that I wanted cooking while I was in labor. We told her she could just drop it off and then she could go run any errands she needed to do. Ryan began cleaning and making sure everything was tidy. My mom arrived soon after and knew right away that she would probably not be leaving. Ryan thouht it would be a good idea to call our midwives. I talked to them and explained what was going on. They said they were on their way. About 30 minutes later they arrived and checked to see how much I had dilated, I was expecting to be at a 5, but much to my surprise, I had dilated to an 8. I was in shock and said, wow, this is really happening today. Ryan drew my bath while my midwives, Kaleem and Marlene began making preparations for Brixton's arrival. I relaxed in the bath, listening to my "Breathe Baby Breathe" playmix I had made. The kids went outside to play, but made sure to keep checking in to see if Brixton had arrived. Contractions began getting stronger and I remember asking Kaleem, how long does this last. She told me about an hour and then it will be time to push. My aunt had arrived to help with the kids if needed, Ryan sat with me and my mom would come in every so often to check on me. Marlene sat right outside the bathroom door, listening to me and knitting the last part of Brixton's hat that she had so kindly made him. I remember how comforting that was to know she was right there. All of a sudden, Marlene and Kaleem came in and we all knew that it was time to push. I was at a 10 and he was ready to make his arrival. Ryan helped hold my arms and Marlene showed me where to push. My mom and aunt sat quietly watching me and Kaleem was helping Marlene and taking pictures. The kids continued to play outside. I remember the feeling, I remember the noises coming out of my mouth. Soon his head was out and I knew one more push and he would be here in my arms. Sure enough, there he was and Marlene helped me to pull him up and into my arms. He was crying and looked absolutely perfect!!! The kids came in soon after and saw him. Rocco was very interested in what everything was, while Savanna just stood back and took it all in. About 20 minutes later my placenta was out and then we cut the cord and I got into the shower, while Ryan got the chance to hold his son for the first time. After my shower, I climbed into bed with all of my family around me and my sweet baby in my arms. I remember looking around and thinking, I am truly blessed. I was home and it was perfection.
I never intended to go this long without blogging, but I had no idea how much busier it would be having three kiddos. Then throw in our big move this year and all of the traveling we've done and boom this year is almost over....how did that happen? How is Brixton almost a year old? I look back and ask myself, "Did I enjoy every moment of his first year?", "Did I soak it all in?" It makes me sad to think that somedays I didn't enjoy his little moments. Somedays I didn't enjoy the moments of my other children either. Somedays I was just in moments of survival and trying to keep my head above water. While I wouldn't change a single thing about my life, this year has truly been one of the toughest for me. I don't know exactly why, maybe I am in a state of reformation, maybe I haven't stepped back and truly looked at how blessed I am. I am surrounded by love and support, but yet sometimes I feel so alone. It's a hard thing to explain to people, but recently I read something about motherhood feeling so lonely. I couldn't agree more, but then there are those moments where your children do something that amazes you and you think to yourself, I created that sweet soul and they are who they are because of me.
Motherhood is the most amazing thing ever, but also one of the most challenging too. There are days you second guess yourself wondering if you're doing it right, there are days you cry, there are days you smile, there are days you love and days you wish you could do all over again. There are times you feel like all you are is a mother and not a wife or even a woman, you wish someone would tell you good job or you look pretty today, but instead you get a drawing of yourself from your seven year old and you think, she thinks I am beautiful and being a mother is ENOUGH. You think this is not MY time, because you don't get to work out or read a book or simply go to the bathroom by yourself, but it is, it is YOUR time to simply be a MOTHER....and that will always be ENOUGH!!! Thats why in a way of sorts, life is always beautiful, no matter how crazy it gets...hence the blog name....A Crazy Beautiful!